Wow, now I never ever thought of desperation as a gift - but as a condition, red-alert, mayday - that is why this Blog is titled as it is.
But in one of those amazing coincidence that somehow feel
spiritual, I found the title "The Gift of Desperation"
in on of my daily recovery readings. It goes on to talk about how when we are truly desperate, with our backs to the wall, only then will we be willing to do whatever necessary to heal ourselves
. We were out of ideas, so we had to be open to new ones. We couldn't use control anymore, so we became willing to surrender to a different approach. And we became open-minded about a path to recovery that included spiritual principles and a faith in a power greater than ourselves. Thus, the chaos of desperation is seen as a gift because it makes recovery possible, says the reading.
Double wow. That's something that I can try on and see if it fits. I do see myself in memory blah-blah-blahing to my daughters, sounding preachy, but convinced I was helping them. I knew in my heart they weren't hearing my words
. But I kept on trying to help them solve their problems in the same old way.Who was it said doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results is a definition of insanity?
So what would I have done differently, in retrospect? Many things. And, some things I did actually worked for them. But not good enough for my conscience, having agonized through my children's suicide attempts.I would have focused a LOT more on getting my own house in order FIRST
. I would have ruthlessly examined my life for any mixed messages I might have been sending them; for example, having a cocktail or two or three every night while preaching just say no to them. I would have listened and not judged and not criticized a lot more. And I would focus my energy on being a role model they could trust and respect.